Yesterday, in my mind was a significant date in my post op journey. I don't know why, but in my mind it was supposed to be a make it or break it date. It was neither. It was just 28 days after my surgery. It was met with muscle relaxers, a message to my provider stating that I can not sit for any longer than five minutes without my left leg going completely numb. Which had never happened before. I had strange left side abdominal pain and woke up with sharp pain in my chest. Which I searched the sharp pain and decided that it was heartburn and went to sleep after I said a prayer.
Spinal fusion surgery is not for the weak minded or weak bodied. It tests you in all ways always.
I woke up not satisfied with myself, as I wanted to share in my post op journey daily, and I am unable to muster up enough mental focus some days to get any words down, so I spend them mindlessly on TikTok, being entertained by strangers in short episodes has been my new norm. I am okay with that. It takes my focus away from my pain and as long as I can get up and take care of myself, eat, walk and heal than I am chalking that up as a win. Have I mentioned that this isn't an easy surgery to recover from? I can only imagine those who are in more pain than I am. I am sure I don't have the worst pain, but I am sure I don't have the least pain of all the surgeries performed.
My Spondylolisthesis was/is congenital. I was born with it, so my body has never had proper function from the waist down. I had always had the sway back and all the malfunction that Spondy comes with including tight hamstrings that affect my flexibility. I am using that as a comforting thought whenever I am downtrodden by the ridiculous amount of pain and length of time it's taking to heal that I wasn't prepared for mentally. Regardless, I have to adapt and I have to overcome. Some days will be harder and maybe even some months may be harder than expected. I can't have other people's judgments affect or dictate how I should feel. They honestly don't know and that's another aspect of healing that is tough, I don't want to share that I am in pain, I don't want to be that person. Why? I am not sure, but like I said I am suer there are people who are living with more pain than I am and who don't complain at all. I need to figure this out.
I have decided that I do need to get a schedule set as well, to keep me focused and on the right path to success if I am to overcome this feeling and recovery. Something vague, and followable. Something I can adhere to. Not posting and not working on my goals is probably just as painful as the physical pain I feel from the spinal fusion, so this is something that I must come to terms with and find a happy medium for it.
As long as I can attend Mass and pray The Holy Rosary, I feel like I have accomplished all I need to in the day, everything else is superfluous. God is first and always will be. He has to be, He is the reason why I am here. He is all I need. Today I listened to Gods providence and prayed a special prayer telling Him that I don't know how to ask Him for what I need. I leave it up to Him to read and hear my heart and tears.
May God always bless you and His grace fill your day.
Add comment
Comments